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The best kind of confidence is like a classical virtue: it strikes the “golden mean” between self-doubt and arrogance, allowing a person to embody his or her positive traits without bragging about them.(And in the spirit of wei wu wei, this may broadcast a person’s positive traits more effectively!The common wisdom maintains that the one thing everyone finds attractive in others is confidence. The first, more formal version of confidence is similar to faith: it’s based on believing something you don’t know with certainty.I think, however, that the truth is more nuanced than that, especially when it comes to the self-loathing, who tend to lack in confidence and may not find it particularly attractive in others. If you were aware that you possessed a certain quality, you wouldn’t need confidence in it—it’s only when you can’t be sure that you need confidence. If a woman keeps hearing from men that she’s “intimidating”, what is she supposed to do – besides start approaching men who have more self-confidence and fewer issues? She’s geeky to her Joss-Whedon-loving core, a Whovian, Vertigo-reading, 3rd edition D&D (none of that 4th ed crap thank you very much) gamer with the con stories to prove it. While it’s true that many men will use it as a polite dodge to avoid saying “I’m not attracted to you”, when it comes up over and over again, it’s a sign that maybe there’s more to it. She’s well educated, with a rapier wit and a willingness to use it. And yet, Friday still remains the most lonely night of the week when she sees all of the happy, laughing couples making plans, having romantic dinners and enjoying the sex while she’s at home with Fringe on the DVR and a bottle of Malbec breathing in the kitchen. Well, whenever she’s interested in a guy – a guy who’s worth her time, because what’s the point of having standards if she’s not going to stick to ‘em? She’s done it all; dating sites, meeting guys at cons, the comic store, chatting up friends from class and at work.

She has a job she loves that pays good money, money that she likes to spend on her geeky hobbies and toys. – she hears the same thing over and over again: “You’re too intimidating…” Does this sound familiar to you? In fact, going by the number of emails I get from my readers, it’s most common issue that geek (or geek-curious) women encounter when they’re interested in dating.

It was that I walked around, living my life from this place of thinking that my worth came from being career minded and successful. And yet – it pushed the better men away, because I didn’t need their direction.

And that became a habit; so much so that when i spoke to men, my body was tight, I wasn’t trusting, I was fully set on directing my own life. I wasn’t soft, I was hard and trying to just be enough.

It also implies that you don’t need to compete with anyone or belittle anyone else to lift yourself up; as a result, confident people are more willing to praise others because they aren’t worried about making themselves look worse.

All of this clearly accounts for the general attractiveness of confidence, if for no other reason than its general positivity.




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